Sunday, April 17, 2011

the letter M...getting down to the truth of the matter

the letter of the day is [m] really this letter was for about three days ago...but I'm behind so it's the letter of this post.

M is for....

Missing...I have really been missing home lately. I feel so out of my element as of late. And I'm not sure what has brought this on but I just can't shake the feeling that I don't belong here. Which is odd because we have been here for almost three years now. And with each trip back "home" I realize that it isn't home anymore. My home is here, in Ohio and I don't miss Indiana so much anymore. Until recently. I haven't felt like myself and I'm not sure what has brought that on. Maybe it's the fact that almost every one of my dearest friends are pregnant and have bigger things to worry about that making sure I get girl time. Trust me, I get that! So very understandable! But if I'm going to be honest with myself, I have to admit that I do feel left out. Or like I'm being left behind in some way.
Maybe I feel so lost because I speak my mind. Maybe I've spoke the hard truth too many times and stepped on too many toes. I'm not sure. Again, if I were going to get down to the truth of the matter, I wouldn't change that. I constantly feel like I have to hold back so I don't offend anyone. I've never done that before. Well, at least, not since I've grown up and decided who I was and what I believed in. And now that I know that, I don't know if I can change it. Don't know if I want to change it. Should I change? Should I have to? I don't know. None of the answers are coming to me.
It's possible that I've become so comfortable with our life here and happy that I subconsciously feel like it's time for a change. Since I have been with Jim, counting the move to Washington to be with him I've moved five two and a half years. And that's just to what states we've gone to. That isn't counting how many different living situations we've been in in each state. And we've been in Ohio now for almost three years.

Which brings me to my next letter M...moping. Something I've done a lot of lately. I just feel blah. I know the above has a lot to do with it. Plus, I just don't talk to friends much anymore. There are certain friends in particular that I count on to keep me going, keep me laughing, keep me sane. That bond, that connection doesn't seem to be as strong as what it once was. I know, that's life. We all have our own and it takes us in different directions. It just has me questioning what it has in store for me next.

And last but not least, M is for mother.
Mom, I know you're reading this. Thank you for everything you do for me and for always supporting me. Even  if you don't always agree with me. You've been my mom, my support team, my friend. My hero. I know the light is always on. Thank you!

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