I am in panic mode today. This is the day we are supposed to get results back from Kainan's complete blood count. I am a wreck! These results could change our lives. With his white blood count being too high, it could be a series of different things. Of course the word stuck in my mind is leukemia. That is a very scary word. And when that word is associated with your child, it is even scarier!! Regardless of the results today, I have an even deeper respect for parents that have children with chronic illnesses and disease.
And as hard as it is, I KNOW this is out of my hands. His hands are much bigger than my world. He is bigger than all my sorrows, fears, anxiety, worry....He is bigger than ALL of my problems. Every ounce of me KNOWS I am to trust Him, to have faith in Him...it is so hard to do that when your child is involved. Which brings me to this very known verse.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
I will admit, I don't think I could do it. I don't think any mother could do it.
A friend of mine emailed the following to me today and the tears just flowed.
You created Kainan’s inmost being; you knit him together in my womb.
I praise you because he is fearfully & wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well,
His frame was not hidden from you when he was made in the secret place. When he was woven together in the depths of the earth,
Your eyes saw his unformed body. All the days ordained for him were written in your book before one of them came to be.
I have always been able to say that the things in my life are not mine. None of it is mine...the things I use every day. My phone, this house, this computer...none of it is mine, rather His that he has given to me and allowed for me to use. But my children???
They are mine, right? I want to keep them...forever. I don't ever want him to take them from me. In my eyes, mind, heart, soul...they have always been MINE. But the above passage reminds me that even though they are my children, it is not me who made them. I carried them, and I love them. But I was given the opportunity to care for them. To show them love. To bring them up with good, Christian values. He ALLOWED them to be my children.
Could use some prayer today...not only for the results of these tests, but also my heart. It is very heavy today as I realize there are so many things I have done to blind myself in the world of things around me. To ignore things that I don't want to admit.